Dad Wounds

     It seems there's a lot of books out there written for men that talk about the wounds we received from our dads. He was absent, he was cold, he criticized, jab, jab, jab... if you're a man, you have Dad wounds, there's no way around it. Some authors made me feel that if I didn't have Dad wounds and Braveheart wasn't my favorite movie, then I really wasn't a man. Okay, I admit it, I have Dad wounds.
     I don't remember ever being close to my father. He was a truck driver, worked odd hours, slept in the day, got up at night to go clock in. We never really bonded. This was evident in a story he would tell practically every holiday around the dinner table. "One day I came home from being on the road and you were sitting in front of that TV watching Sesame Street. I walked in the door, you looked at me then turned right around and kept watching TV." The older I got, the more I despised that story. That's not how it should have been. As a three year old kid, I should have ran to my dad and jumped in his arms when he got home. He absolutely should have won over Sesame Street. But he didn't. As I approached fatherhood I vowed it would not be that way with my kids.
     As time passed things never really changed between us. I respected him, honored him as a good Christian son should, but didn't call him for advice or even just to chat. There were private moments when I got very angry with him, asking the four walls why he wasn't around when I was a kid, grieving the fact that we weren't close, and feeling like it was much too late to do anything about it now that I was an adult, a husband and father myself. Talking to him about it, or yelling at him for it would only make him feel guilty and he would bear that burden until the grave, so I never addressed it with him.
     Shortly after Dad died, I was reading one of those man books I mentioned. It got me thinking about my relationship with my dad and helped resolve a lot of frustrations I had about our lack of closeness. I realized I was very thankful for my dad. I know he wanted certain things for me like being able to fix my own car. He wanted to pass that mechanic's gene on to me, but once he saw I just didn't have that affinity, he never made me feel stupid about it. Dad never made me feel stupid about anything. He never berated me or belittled my interests. I think the harshest thing he called me was "ding ding," which is Oaky for "ding dong" which my family shortened to "ding." But that certainly never made me feel stupid. I took piano lessons and he never objected because it wasn't sports. In fact, he would always ask me to play "Joplin," meaning Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer." Looking back at my life with him I realized others have suffered much more severe "Dad wounds" than I did.
     I know Dad's greatest desire for me was to do better than he did in life. And I know he was very proud of the man I became. A year before he died I was very angry and bitter about how he parented me, but now I'm very thankful for the good, kind, hard working and gentle man he was.

  
     This is Dad serving in the U.S. Navy during the Korean War. I think he looks very cool.
  
  
  

Best of 2010

     Why read about celebrities that died in 2010? That's depressing. Read this instead. I present the Best of the Couch's in 2010:

• After 16 1/2 years, I resigned from my church as youth pastor. How is this on the best list? It required a genuine walk of faith because I didn't know what was coming next. This was Abraham-style faith walkin'! Had to learn total dependance on God. Scary and reassuring at the same time. Thankful for the process. Very thankful.
• Julia received the Gold President's Award in her class for the year. She adds this to her Silver from Kindergarten. Because of this and the fact that she gave all her money away to missionaries, she earned an iPod. Very well deserved. So proud of her accomplishments.
• I walked in the Breast Cancer Awareness Walk in San Francisco which happened to be on my mom's birthday (who lost her battle to breast cancer in 2007). 43 miles in 2 days through the hills of San Francisco. Nobody said anything about hills! And a bonus was being able to do it with a good friend from college who became a better friend on this walk. Thanks, Schmidty.

• Marty and I started our own ministry, "Missionaries to Ministers," because we are burdened for those who serve in the church that are also struggling. We have brochures and business cards and everything (even a fax machine). Call us for an appointment in office, via telephone or through Skype or iChat. 
• We created a website. Check us out at www.pornographyinthepew.com. 
• During all this faith walking, I got the best Father's Day present from my 7 year old that I have ever received, a piece of original artwork worth more than any Rembrandt or Van Gogh that simply says "Happy Father's Day. Walking By Faith." 
• Teaching the kids the 10 Commandments as we walked to school, for the Bible says to talk about these things as you walk along the road. Monday through Friday presented a great opportunity, so we memorized as we walked. Love hearing them recite all 10. 
• Finding our "Pathway." Our new home church is Pathway Church in Redwood City. They have been just what we needed as we transitioned. Our good friends from college have poured their lives into this ministry and have welcomed us and provided a place for us to serve and enjoy tremendous fellowship. As I said, good friends in college, greater friends now. Thanks, Scott and Sue Aughtmon and Brett and Jenny Moody and all your boys! The Couch's love you all.
• I went back to seminary through Liberty University Online. Passed my pastoral counseling course with an "A." I was so nervous about doing an online course, but God very obviously helped me through and I finished with a 98% in the class! I truly give all glory to Him because I submitted every assignment with trepidation, doubting I did it correctly. Whew! And that "A" affirms my fresh calling to help people. It's what I want to do.
• Took Max to Disneyland as it was the year he turned 4 (the age each of my kids have their inaugural visit to the Happiest Place on Earth). He definitely had a friend in Buzz and Woody. 

My best reads of 2010

• Visioneering, Andy Stanley (1999). This fueled me to help people struggling with addiction issues and gave me the courage to tell my story. What's your passion? Read this book and run with it.
• A Resilient Life, Gordon MacDonald (2004). Were you born with a quitter's gene? Truly motivational words from someone who was and learned to run in spite of it. Very encouraged by this book.
• The Will of God as a Way of LIfe, Jerry Sittser, (2000). How can you not listen to a man who lost his wife, his mother, and one of his own children in a car accident as he talks about God's will for our lives? Very, very practical teaching on God's will that will challenge your faith and help you put your trust where it belongs.
• Telling Yourself the Truth, William Backus and Marie Chapian, (1980). This book helped me realize that when my anxiety is taking over my thoughts, I've stopped believing the Truth of God's Word in that moment. Life changing book.
• Hurt People Hurt People, Sandra Wilson, (2001). Great insights into why we hurt and thus hurt others. Lots of healing potential in this one.
• Diary of a Wimpy Kid Do It Yourself Book, Jeff Kinny, (2008). Yeah, designed for kids, and kids at heart, I say. More of a draw your own comics, make some life lists, and fill in the journal in the back, but this book was one of my favorites in 2010 and inspired creativity in my kids which I will always promote. 

Best quotes of 2010

     "The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." - George Mueller

     "Believe in the belief God has in you." - T.S.C

     "Be thankful for the process regardless of the outcome." - T.S.C

     "You can do things nobody else ever has because there has never been another combination of God and you." - T.S.C.

     "We would be wise to be attentive and responsive to God along the way, even in matters that appear to have little significance... Perhaps our attention to these little things is the will of God, and our pre-occupation with the future a foolish distraction." - Jerry Sittser

     "Visions make leaders passionate, thorns make them authentic." - taken from the Maxwell Leadership Bible

     "Nobody other than you has the power to make you miserable. That power is yours alone." - from the book, Telling Yourself the Truth, Backus and Chapian

     "One of the worst things you can die with is potential. Die with failures before you die with potential." - Henry Cloud

(and here's one to take us into 2011) "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense." - Winston Churchill, 1941

     No matter what comes your way, make it a joyful New Year. God bless you.

    

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

     15 years ago I mailed a Christmas Card to a good friend from college and it pretty much changed my life. I had asked Miss Marty McKenzie to accompany me to the Singing Christmas Tree production at Capital Christian Center and as a thank you, I sent said card. Very shortly after, we started dating and because of the distance between us, I started sending cards weekly to stay connected to my new girlfriend since we only saw each other on the weekends. Marty had a co-worker, obviously jaded and scorned, for she had the nerve to say about my weekly card sending, "It won't last."
     Well, 15 years have passed, nearly 14 of those spent in wedded bliss, and my wife still receives a card from me weekly. It has become a part of my regular routine. And I thoroughly enjoy doing it. It still keeps us connected. Marty appreciates the effort and the sentiments written inside and thanks me every time she receives one.
     I've always liked to draw, so each envelope features a little artwork from me.

This one was a follow-up card after Marty threw me a surprise birthday party.

What to do with all those extra pictures? 

Embarking on a walk of faith.

One of my favorites. If anyone remembers the movie or TV show from the late 70's "Logan's Run," you'll get this one.

I'm not an artist if I don't draw superheroes.

Happy Halloween!

In our second year of marriage, Marty went on a trip to Africa and was gone for nearly 3 weeks. This envelope shows how I felt when she got back.

  
And of course, Schroeder the piano player from the best comic strip ever produced, "Peanuts." 

     I'm glad my kids will inherit these cards someday. They'll get to read all about their parents' relationship and romance and hopefully it will be an example to them, in some small way. And to Marty's former co-worker, wherever she is and whoever she was... it lasted.   

Three Weeks Early and One Day Late

     Eight December's ago, Marty and I were awaiting the arrival of our first child. The day after Christmas we were lying in bed, just waking up. Our baby girl would be here in 3 weeks! We were so looking forward to meeting her. I began to sing to Marty's tummy as I had many times before, "Be My Baby," and then followed it up with "I'm Coming Out," which I would sing when I wanted her on the outside. Much to our surprise, she obeyed that morning. On December 26, 2002, three weeks early, our baby girl Julia was born, and a love switch I didn't know I had inside me was flipped on!
     The first time I left her in the nursery at the hospital the day she was born, I just cried. I looked at her through the thick glass and felt the separation. She was only hours old, but leaving her already felt like she was going off to college or I was giving her away at her wedding. I didn't want to go. I had only met her that day, but it hurt to walk away from her.
     For her eighth birthday we suggested she have a slumber party. She could invite three guests (all we can handle for an overnighter at this point), and she invited her best friend from pre-school, her best friend from Kindergarten and a girl in her current class that she has grown close to. Julia is a great friend maker and keeper. Marty bought some make-up for them to get a light makeover for the evening, then we'll take them to dinner and the 8 year old girls will sit at their own table, order whatever they want, laugh and giggle over 2nd grade stuff, come back and watch a movie and sleep in the living room.
     I have never seen Julia so excited. She cannot stop talking about her party and planning. She has made lists of things they can do. She's asked if any of the girls get a little nervous about sleeping in the living room, can they transfer to her bedroom. She has graciously included her little sister in her birthday party plans, and she has expressed adequately that she cannot wait for her slumber party.
     I love seeing her so happy. I love her. She is an exceptional kid, as all my children are. I can't believe our baby girl is growing up so quickly. For some reason, this slumber party is making her seem so grown up. And soon, I will be waving to her as she drives away, car packed, college bound, and then waving to her her as she drives away with the man I've entrusted her to. God help me.
     So I'm remembering a December from 8 years ago when our first born child became the best Christmas present we ever received, three weeks early and one day late.
  

Mid-December Ramblings

     I'm supposed to be studying, but the house is too quiet. There's just something about that moment... you put the kids down, you still hear them rustling in their rooms, talking, singing, but eventually... quiet. Peace has settled over the house. The wife is gone for the evening, my text book is calling, but I'm ignoring it. Got the fire log burning, looking at the stockings hanging on the mantle. Four of the five of them were made by my mom. Marty's was made by her grandma. A few years ago she wanted to buy matching stockings for the whole family, but I refused, at least for mine. Those two pieces of felt sewn together have been the makings of the only stocking I've ever known and all I care to know. Mom wrote "God Bless You" at the top in felt tip marker. My siblings have the exact same style. Wonder if their's are hanging...

     Just spent a couple hours downloading free Christmas music from Amazon. Found some pretty cool tunes from Sixpence, Michael McDonald, and some unknowns (Little and Ashley, anyone?), but still cool, and FREE! I have 560 songs in my Christmas playlist on my iPod. Always looking for new, original Christmas music (we don't need another version of "Oh, Holy Night," or "Christmastime is Here," do we now?). Currently listening to Annie Lennox's latest holiday album. The voice of Eurythmics singing sacred carols... what a paradox.

     I'm staring at the tree, looking at the ornaments and reliving the memories attached to some of them. Got that one when I lived with Vito in an apartment in Cupertino, '94: My first "on my own" ornament. Mickey and Minnie ice skating was acquired on Pier 39, engaged to an incredible woman, couldn't wait to get married. And I'm not gonna lie, I have a crush on our tree topper. She's the most beautiful angel I've ever seen and she has perched there for the last 13 years. The kids decorated the lower half of the tree. Construction paper, baby's first Christmas, baked dough crafts, it's a mess down there, but it's endearing.

     I told Ella we may not have many presents this year. She said, "It doesn't matter if we have a lot or none at all." Good answer. Great attitude. We'll make a lot of memories this December. We're going to hit a pageant, stroll through Bethlehem A.D., there's always Christmas in the Park downtown. I realized a long tome ago that the best gift I can give my kids is fond memories.  I'm always trying to wrap those things up in bows and leave them for them. December 2010 won't be any different.

Merry Christmas.

  

  

Don't Make Me Minister

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXh7JR9oKVE

There's a video going around of a group of people who are in a food court, and one by one, they start singing Handel's Hallelujah chorus until they are all in full harmony and counterpoint. It brought tears to my eyes for the name of my Lord was being sung in great chorus in a public setting, and so beautifully. And the effort was appreciated by those who were lucky enough to be shopping in the mall that day. It reminded me of an opportunity I had but my attitude had me in danger of missing out on something.
     When I was in college, I travelled with a singing group. In May we would go on a three week tour hitting churches up and down the western side of our Untied States. In the middle of touring, we found ourselves on a country highway in the middle of nowhere. We found a tiny diner on the side of the road and pulled over for lunch. It was customary for us to ask the manager of whatever eating establishment we were patronizing if we could sing our a cappella number for them. But this day, I just flat out did not want to do it. It was Saturday, our day off. We sang Sunday through Friday. My voice was tired. I was tired. Don't make me go in there and do what we did all week. I need a break!
     I walked in the diner, bad attitude and all, and noticed the owner of the place. She was asked if we could sing for the "crowd" and her expression said, "Why?" But she relented even though it was obvious she wasn't into it (just like me). We sang our number. We harmonized, we crescendoed and de-crescendoed, we did what we did every night and received a nice round of applause from the 6 customers who were there. As the applause came to a stop, there was one person still clapping, the owner. I'm not sure she was aware that everybody else had stopped, but she kept on. Then I noticed tears running down her careworn face. It was quite the contrast to her "what's the point" attitude she had when we asked her if we could sing. Immediately my attitude changed because this soul was touched, moved to tears. Something happened inside of her and she was blessed, ministered to, and received several hugs from our troupe as we walked out the door.
      I realized you never take a break from ministering.

A Big, Cherished Mistake

     Regardless of the holiday, I still had homework to do. So after the kitchen was cleaned and kids were tucked in, I settled in to do some serious reading. Up to this point, my text books for my Pastoral Counseling class had been very timely, not only equipping me, but speaking to me and challenging me on a personal level. My assigned reading for last week was no different, even more so than the others because it was speaking to me specifically about what I was wrestling with on that very day. How could an assignment be so divine? The book is called 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life by Dr. Henry Cloud. Listen to a few tidbits: "Your heart is an organ designed to have life flowing through it. Your mind is like that as well, as is your soul," (p. 39). And how 'bout this... "One of the worst things you can die with is potential. Die with failures before you die with potential. Potential is something to be realized, not guarded and protected," (41).
     But here is where it was really jumping off the page for me. "Principle 2: Pull the Tooth... Level two is facing things that truly are negative and either fixing them or figuring out that they can't be fixed and letting them go... pull the tooth," (49). The author writes about a business deal with a friend that turned typical: He was owed money, the friend didn't think he owed him money, phone calls were made, phone calls weren't returned, and a good part of a year was spent trying to have this debt repaid, a sizable amount. A wise friend told him, "Write it off and get on down the road. Take the loss and move on. You are expending too much negative energy," (p. 57).
     I do that. I spend way too much negative energy on things that don't deserve my time thinking about them. I was doing that on Thanksgiving Day, but fighting it because my kids didn't need me distracted on such a family oriented day. So I put up a good front, but as soon as they went to bed, more negative energy was being spent.
     I felt God had me read that to remind me that I am not supposed to be anxious about anything! So I was very thankful for my text book that night.
     On Saturday morning, I discovered I had been reading the wrong text book all week. I wasn't supposed to be reading 9 Things, I was supposed to be reading Boundaries in Marriage! So I sat in my study chair, a whole book behind in my reading, but I knew God would see me through my weekend and help me meet my deadline on Sunday in spite of my goof.  God redeemed my mix up and knew what I needed to hear. Talk about learning from your mistakes!

A Melancholy Thanksgiving

     When I was a kid, Thanksgiving meant cousins, lots of cousins. We made many trips to Oroville, CA, and Burson, CA, and some years we hosted the dinner at our house in Antioch (did I ever mention the time we actually transported 2 live turkeys tied up in 50 lb Purina Dog Chow bags with their heads sticking out on a 2 hour car ride in our station wagon and one of them busted out and started flapping around all over the back of the car? A traumatizing story for another time). Growing up, there was always lots of family around on the holiday.
     When I got married, Marty and I would rotate going to her family's one year,  and then mine, but driving back from Sacramento, we always managed to swing by my folks' place because it was on the way home. It just wasn't Thanksgiving unless I saw my mom with a dish towel draped over her shoulder as she cooked the turkey or was heating up leftovers, depending on the day.
     Three years ago, one week before Thanksgiving Day, Mom passed away. I knew as I stood by her hospital bed, talking with her for the last time, that I would not be seeing a towel over a shoulder that year. Anticipating that fact was difficult.
     Tomorrow it will be a table set for 5. Just us, the Couch's, no one else. Our house won't be crawling with cousins and aunts and uncles, or even my own siblings, for that matter. They have their own families to tend to. Its not what I was raised on, so, for me, it makes me a little sad because we usually want our kids to have the good experiences we had when we were young. And with that, of course, Mom won't be in the kitchen, but maybe I can get Marty to work a towel on the shoulder for me. It will be me, Marty, the best wife in the world I could have ever hoped for, Julia, who's excelling in her school work (once again) and is a great friend to schoolmates, Ella, who is also at the top of her class and walked 20 laps in her school walk-a-thon (incredible little kindergartner), and Max, who continues to be a source of laughter for us.

     So our house may not be brimming with people tomorrow, but it will be and is rife with thankfulness. After all, it's not aunts and uncles and cousins or even turkey or a towel over the shoulder that make a Thanksgiving complete. All that's needed is 5 Couch's.

Don't Look and It Doesn't Exist

     I've tricked myself into thinking I'm not out of shape. Want to know my secret? I don't look at my gut. I examine my physical appearance  about once a day after getting out of the shower when I look in the mirror with a towel that wraps around and conceals the stomach that I do not care to acknowledge. What only adds to my denial is my stance as I look at my reflection: I'm leaning forward and my chin is slightly extended which obstructs any evidence of a double (or cubed or to the 4th power) chin. That particular mirror tells me I look pretty good.
     I was walking with Max today in a strip mall. I wasn't feeling very good about my appearance and I decided to confirm that feeling by looking at myself in the store window that we were passing. I didn't like what I saw. This glass didn't edit my reflection as nicely as the mirror in my bathroom. I hate that store window. But if I hate that store window, I hate it for telling me the truth. How healthy is that?
     I was brought up in a family that didn't discuss uncomfortable or painful issues. We did not draw attention to that which was on everybody's minds. If we didn't look at it, acknowledge it, or talk about it, maybe it would go away. And if we did that long enough, maybe "it" would never have existed in the first place. So, whatever "it" was, we would just work around it because dealing with the reality of "it" was too unpleasant, hurtful, or shameful.
     Denial is something we develop in childhood. It's a faulty protective mechanism that attempts to keep us safe from a painful truth. It's easier to deny something because the alternative is just too loathsome to think about. Looking at ourselves for who we really are can seem unimaginable. Acknowledging the not so attractive can be  humiliating and bring on the assumed displeasing thoughts of others. But can I just say as someone with my family of origin, acknowledging whatever "it" is is definitely the way to go. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's humbling. Yes, it may mean tedious work for God knows how long, but health and freedom are so worth it. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to have all that extra living and breathing space in your front room?
    
    
    
    

Top Shelf Blues

Last night I knelt to pray and began to repent of sins of the past, I'm talking years ago which I'm sure I had already asked forgiveness for but just to make sure... As I prayed, I began to relive those mistakes I made, and then self-condemnation began to set in. In my soul, I began to panic a little. I was supposed to be spending time in God's presence but it seemed my mind jumped in a time machine that hurled me back to those uncomfortable scenarios. I called out to God, asking Him to assure me of His company and His love for me. Then He brought to mind what had happened just that afternoon with my son.
     In the past, Max has climbed up on his toy box and then on to his dresser to get an item off the shelf that is not necessarily meant to be played with. I've caught him doing this and he was punished for it. I don't want those shelves to come falling down on him, so he needed to understand this is not acceptable. I told him if I ever caught him again, he would be (severely punished).
     Yesterday I heard a crash in his room, but it sounded like toys falling out of his closet so I didn't investigate immediately. A couple minutes went by and there had been this consistent scraping against the wall sound. Fearing the paint being scratched, I called out, "Max, what are you doing?" His answer was a cry of desperation. I walked in to find him standing on his toy box trying with all his might not to drop one of the shelves he had been forbidden to touch that was teetering in his failing grip. When he saw me,  a look of sheer terror came over him and he began to cry, still trying to hold up the shelf. I stood there looking at him not knowing what course of action to take because I remembered what I told him would happen if I caught him up there again, and his reaction told me he remembered it too. As I wondered what I should do, my anguished son looked at me desperately wanting some help but realizing he was also staring at his rightful disciplinarian. Marty walked in and immediately went to his aid. Then he had a time out while Marty and I discussed his consequence. The girls were going to a costume party, but Max would not be going for disobeying and knocking the shelf off the wall. It wasn't what I originally guaranteed him, but it would have to do.
     Marty left with the girls and Max and I stayed home. I asked him if he was ever going to do that again and he convincingly shook his head no. I asked him if he was sorry and he said yes. I couldn't get the look on his face when I walked in on him out of my head. He knew he blew it big time and he expected me to react a lot more strongly than I did, because I said I would. But I love him. I felt bad for him.
     We watched some videos together while we had "just the boys" time and the night ended pretty normally, except for the last several nights, Max has wanted Marty to put him to bed. Not last night. For some reason, he wanted me to tuck him in, which I was happy to do, complete with a story, some tickling, a little rough housing and pillow fighting before lights out.
     This whole scenario came to mind as I knelt before God that night in fear of being scorned for my way past sins. I know a good father disciplines his kids, but did God see the terror on my face as I prayed? He's a Father, my Father, just as I am to Max. I'm sure He looked at His boy in that moment and His heart strings were pulled because He loves me.
     After God showed me His heart for me through what happened with my son, I immediately got up and went in to Max's room to adjust his covers and stroke his head. I may be 42 years old, but I have to admit, I wouldn't mind at all, whether I was aware of it or not, if my Father came in to my room to check on me and give me some late-night love especially in light of how imperfectly I may have behaved that day.